Woeful Wizards: Chamber of Secrets
by Woeful Wizards
Summary: Harry and the gang are ready for another head swiveling, glitter-tastic time at Hogwarts. But is Hogwarts ready for them? A soap opera based on Harry Potter.
1. Episode One

Woeful Wizards Chamber of Secrets Episode One

Scene 1

_Harry is sitting in his bedroom, writing in a diary. It appears to be night._

Harry: (voiceover accompanied with dramatic music) It is day 73 of my entrapment. As I lie here at night, cold and afraid, I can only just remember that tragic day, day number (long dramatic pause) one.

_Flashback to Vernon Dursley from Harry's view_

Vernon: Just don't perform magic in front of people and don't tell them that you're a wizard.

Harry: (offscreen, yelling) YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY CAN'T YOU LET ME BE MYSELF.

_Back to Harry in his room._

Harry: (still voiceover) Ever since I put up that banner, "I am a wizard", on my window, I've had a bars attached to it so I cannot leave this hellhole. Uncle Vernon says if I just don't do put the banner up but I cannot, swivel, will not let him restrict my freedom like that. I still can't get what Dobby told me out of my head though, "Harry Potter mustn't go back to Hogwarts." But it's like the song. I have to.

_Ron and the twins appear outside Harry's window. Happy music._

Ron: (s) Harry!

_Harry looks around, puzzled._

Ron: (s and yelling) HARRY!

George: (s) He can't hear you.

**Fred:** (touches window and looks up, horrified) The glass's bullet… and sound proof too.

**Ron:** (s) My best friend… trapped (s) FOREVER.

**George:** Or we could just open the window.

_Fred opens the window._

**Ron:** (s) But the bars…

**Fred:** Are made of (s) play-dough.

_Dramatic music. Fred and George take off bars_

**Ron**: (s) I'm finally going to be reunited with my best friend!

**Harry:** (s) Did I just hear a (s) swivel? Ron, is that you?

**Ron:** (s) Harry!

**Harry:** (s) Ron!

_They rush into each other's arms, holding each other tightly. Soppy music plays. Harry and Ron both breathe deeply, inhaling each other's scent._

**Harry:** (slightly muffled by Ron's jumper) You smell good.

**Ron:** Shh…

**George**: (s) I hear footsteps approaching.

**Fred:** (s) On our privacy they do be encroaching.

_Fred and George leave_

**Harry:** I'll starting packing then?

**Ron:** Don't let go just yet.

**Scene 2:**

_Malfoy and the gang are all on the bedroom floor, obviously at a sleepover._

**Malfoy:** (s) So, Goyle, truth… or dare?

**Goyle:** Uh… dare

**Malfoy: **I dare you to kiss…

_Crabbe looks hopeful_

**Malfoy:** … Dobby.

_Everyone looks disgusted. Dramatic music._

**Scene 3:**

_Harry, Ron and the twins are in a car, with some "clouds" at the window._

**Harry:** I can't believe we're flying!

**George:** Our father did create this wondrous flying car.

**Fred:** But it can't go very far.

**Ron:** Sandwich?

**Harry:** (s) Of course.

_Harry eats the sandwich without breaking eye contact with Ron._

**George:** We have arrived in our house

**Fred:** Now we must be as quiet as a mouse.

**Molly:** (off-screen) 

**Ron:** (s) Oh dear.

**Scene 4**

_At Malfoy's sleepover._

**Goyle:** So (s), Crabbe, truth… or dare?

**Crabbe:** Uh… truth.

**Goyle:** Do you ever fancy (s) Hermione Granger?

**Crabbe:** (s) What? A girl? Eww…

**Malfoy:** Yeah, mudbloods are gross.

**Crabbe: **Yeah… mudbloods.

**Scene 5**

_At the Burrow. Molly is red in the face and inhaling an exhaling deeply. Harry, Ron and the twins are _

**Molly:** Don't (breath) ever (breath) do (breath) that (breath) again.

**Fred:** Our poor sweet old mother.

**George:** We're sorry we're such a bother.

**Fred & George:** NOT.

_The twins rush off stage._

**Molly:** Oh, and welcome Harry. Now, (glowers slightly) eat.

**Harry:** (s) But I couldn't possibly…

**Molly**: (looking like the mistress of Satan) EAT.

_Harry sits down at table. Ginny, looking like a bag lady, enters._

**Ron:**(s) Ginny! I'd like you to meet (s towards Harry) Harry Potter.

_Ginny freezes. Harry wiggles his eyebrows._

**Harry:** (s) Enchanté.

_Harry kisses Ginny's hand. Ginny stays still for a moment, and then bolts out of the kitchen._

**Ron:** Sorry, my sister's not usually this (s) shy.

**Harry:** (s) I forgive you.

**Ron: **(s) Apology accepted.

_Harry and Ron stare intensely into each other's eyes._

**Scene 6**

_At King's Cross Station. Harry and the Weasley's are just outside the barrier._

**Molly:** We'll just leave you guys unsupervised again, okay?

_The Weasley's disappear._

**Ron:** (s) Shall we hold hands?

**Harry:** (s) I wouldn't have it any other way.

_Harry and Ron step forward and then look puzzled._

**Ron:** (s) The barrier…

**Harry:** (s) … it's blocked

_Harry and Ron both fall to their knees and start sobbing. Dramatic music._

**Scene 7**

_In Hogwarts Express compartment. Hermione is sitting by herself, reading. Malfoy and gang enter._

**Malfoy:** (s) I thought I smelt something.

**Hermione:** (s) Go away, Malfoy.

**Malfoy:** (quietly to Hermione) Now we both know you don't want that.

_Neville enters smoking._

**Neville:** Huh.

**Goyle:** (s) Come to tell us to shove off, Longbottom?

**Neville:** No.

**Crabbe:** (s) Have it your way then. Come on, Draco.

**Malfoy:** But… yeah, let's leave. (s) I wouldn't be seen dead with Granger anyway.

_Malfoy and the gang leave_

**Hermione:** (s) What do you want?

**Neville: **Whatever.

**Scene 8:**

_Harry and Ron are both on the floor at King's Cross Station, bawling their eyes out._

**Ron:** (standing up and s) Hey, I have an idea!

**Harry:** (stands up and enthusiastic s) What?

**Ron:** We should use (s) the flying car.

**Harry:** (Gasps) That's a great idea! (s) Let's go!

_Sign pops up "brief interlude". Harry and Ron are sitting in the car, "flying"_

**Harry:** Ron…

**Ron:** Yeah…

**Harry:** (s) We forgot to feed each other food!

**Ron:** What?

**Harry:** (s) That thing that we do

**Ron:** Harry, (s) we did that already. Remember, the sandwich? (Pause) Harry, (s) are you feeling okay?

**Harry: ** (s) I always feel okay when I'm with you.

_Harry and Ron stare deeply into each other's eyes. Soppy music._

**Scene 9:**

_At the Gryffindor's table. Hermione, Ginny and Neville, still smoking, are all eating the Great Feast (is it Grand? Damn I've forgotten)_

**Hermione:** (s) Where's Ron?

**Ginny:** (mumbles)… Harry.

_Malfoy and the gang enter_

**Malfoy:** (s) Looking for me, sweetheart?

**Hermione**: (s and yells) GET LOST MALFOY.

_Hermione throws something at Malfoy._

**Malfoy:** (s) You'll pay for this, Granger.

_Malfoy and the gang leave._

**Neville:** Huh.

_Harry and Ron strut in._

**Harry:** (s) Don't worry Neville. (s) I'm here to protect you.

**Ron:** (puts hands on hips and s) And I also.

_Hermione gets up and runs to hug both Harry and Ron._

**Harry:** (s) I missed you, Hermione.

**Hermione:** (s) And I missed you too, Harry. You too (s) Ron.

**Ron:** (s) Really?

_Hermione and Ron stare into each other's eyes. Harry picks up some food and starts eating._

**Harry:** This is good.

_Dumbledore struts in._

**Dumbledore:** Everyone, (s) take your seats.

_They sit._

**Dumbledore:** Okay, so, (hair toss) I know everyone is real excited for the new school year.

**All:** SCHOOL! YEAH!

**Dumbledore:** Awesome. But I must warn you (s), something wicked this way comes.

_Thunder and lightning._

**END OF EPISODE ONE** HermioneHH


	2. Episode Two

**Woeful Wizards Chamber of Secrets Episode Two**

**Scene 1**

_In the Great Hall. Harry and the gang and Ginny are eating breakfast at the Gryffindor table._

**Harry:** So, (s) Ginny, any free periods today for some... fun?

_Ginny runs off._

**Ron:** (s) I don't know what's got into her lately.

_Dumbledore glides in._

**Dumbledore**: (s) I have an announcement to make everyone.

_Everyone continues to talk._

**Dumbledore:** It involves (s) room arrangements.

_Everyone falls quiet immediately_

**Dumbledore:** Room 666 shall now be... (s) a girls lavatory due to the requests of a certain someone.

**All:** (gasp) Who?

**Dumbledore:** (s) Moaning Myrtle.

_Moaning Myrtle appears, waving. Everyone boos and she is pushed away._

**Dumbledore:** Now, everyone make sure you're ready for the (s) Halloween Feast. This year, there are going to be some once in a lifetime, (s) ONCE IN A LIFETIME entertainments, including the famous troll lady from former Yugoslavia. (s) I, for one, would be deeply upset if I missed it and would (s) hang myself. (Pause) Have a nice day everyone!

_Dumbledore waltzes off._

**Hermione:** (s) How exciting!

**Ron:** Yeah, (s) it's going to be the best feast ever!

**Harry:** Thank goodness we have no prior engagements.

**Scene 2**

_Malfoy and the gang are in the Slytherin dormitories, just chilling._

**Malfoy:** (sneering) Did you hear about Potter? He's going to a (s) ghost party instead of the feast.

**Goyle**: (s) I would never ditch you for a ghost party, Draco.

**Crabbe:** (s) Me too. What we share is too special

_They all turn and stare happily at the camera._

**Scene 3**

_The Gryffindors are in the DADA classroom_

**Hermione:** (s) I'm really looking to be taught by Gilderoy Lockhart!

**Harry:** Who?

**Hermione:** (s) Only the best, most clever wizard in the whole wide world.

**Ron:** (dreamily) With a smile to die for.

**Hermione:** (s) My God, Ron. No need to make fun of me.

**Ron:** But I... I

**Harry:** Shh! He's coming.

_Lockhart comes in, looking immaculate_

**Lockhart**: (clears throat and opens mouth) Ah...

**Hermione:** (Puts hand in the air) Oh sir, remember when you saved that struggling village from that vampire and then you did this and that...

_The class is left looking bored and Lockhart is yet to say a word._

**Scene 4**

_Malfoy and the gang are entering the Great Hall_

**Malfoy:** (s) I can't wait to see the troll lady!

**Crabbe:** (s) I bet she looks hideous.

**Goyle:** (s) No, she's beautiful

**Crabbe:** (s) Hideous.

**Goyle:** (s) Beautiful

**Malfoy:** (s) Boys, there's no need to fight over little old me.

**Crabbe and Goyle**: Okay boss.

**Scene 5**

_Harry and the gang are at the Deathday Party, obviously uncomfortable._

**Harry**: (s) Why did you make us come to this party, Ron?

**Ron:** (s) It was you, Harry.

**Hermione:** (s) Oh no, it's Moaning Myrtle.

_Moaning Myrtle comes in._

**MM:** Hi Hermione, you look nice today!

**Hermione:** (s) I don't appreciate your sarcasm, Myrtle.

**MM:** And Ron and Harry, I've heard so much about you.

**Harry:** (s) Nobody asked for your opinion.

_Peeves comes in_

**Peeves:** (depressed) I'll get rid of her anyway. It's not like she can hurt me, I'm already dead.

_Harry and the gang burst out laughing._

**Ron:** Oh, Peeves.

**Myrtle:** Bye gang!

_Myrtle and Peeves leave._

**Hermione:** (s) Myrtle's such a bitch.

_Nearly Headless Nick enters._

**NNH:** (like a teenage girl) (headflick) Have you seen the Headless Hunt? Because they're totally not invited.

**Harry:** (s) Why?

**NNH:** Because, like, I full on asked if I could join them, right? And, like, they totally turned me down because they're like racist.

**Ron:** (s) Really?

**Hermione:** (s) Look out, here comes Sir Patrick!

_SP and the Headless Hunt enter_

**SP:** (like another teenage girl) Everybody chill, it's just silly old me. (giggles).

**NNH:** (s) What are you doing here, Pat? I totally told you you couldn't come.

**SP:** Well excuse me, I didn't know this was an invitation only event. Bit rich coming from a non-Headless Hunt member.

**Headless Hunt**: (chuckles)

**NNH:** I wouldn't want to be in your stupid club anyway!

**SP:** You couldn't get in even if like, like, you were headless. Anyway, aren't those last year's balloons?

_Cuts to balloons._

**Balloons:** I didn't want anyone to get hurt.

_Back to the party scene._

**NNH:** You're just jealous.

_NNH pokes SP_

**SP:** (screaming) HOW DARE THEE! I CHALLENGE THEE TO FISTICUFFS!

**Harry:** (s) Let's go guys!

**Ron:** Yeah, it's getting way too medieval for my tastes in here.

**Scene 6**

_Malfoy and gang are walking out of the Great Hall, laughing._

**Crabbe:** Did you see her face when we set off the dungbombs?

**Goyle:** It was so awesome.

**Malfoy:** (s) Guys.

**Crabbe and Goyle:** (s) Yeah?

**Malfoy: **(s) I feel the start of a beautiful friendship.

**Goyle:** We should have a name.

**Crabbe:** What about (s) the Golden Trio?

**Malfoy:** (s) I think it's brilliant.

**Goyle:** (s) I'm sure it'll stick.

**Scene 7**

_Harry and the gang are walking down a corridor_

**Ron:** (s) Hey look! Room 666.

**Harry:** No, it's a girl's bathroom now.

**Ron:** How do you know?

**Hermione:** (s) Honestly Ron, Dumbledore told us only a week ago.

**Harry:** ...yeah. Dumbledore.

_They walk for a while in silence._

**Hermione:** (s) Look, a dark and mysterious shape!

**Ron:** (s) Let's investigate!

_They come upon the petrified form of Mrs Norris._

**Ron:** (s) What is it?

**Hermione:** It's a cat, Ron.

**Harry:** Let's burn it.

_Filch runs on screen._

**Filch:** (falls to knees) NOOOOOOO!

**Harry**: (s) Filch, I, I finally understand.

**Filch:** (s) You did it! You wanted to burn the remains!

_Dumbledore catwalks in and his posse (aka the teachers and students) follow._

**Dumbledore:** (s) What is the meaning of this?

**Malfoy:** (s and point)

_Written on the wall is "Enemies of the heir beware"_

**Dumbledore:** (s) The Chamber of Secrets... is open once more.

_Dramatic music_


	3. Episode Three

**Woeful Wizards Chamber of Secrets Episode Three**

**Scene 1**

_At the Great Hall. Malfoy and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table._

**Malfoy:** Can you guys keep a (s) secret?

**Goyle:** (s) Of course.

**Crabbe:** (s) Anything for you.

**Malfoy:** I'm (s) the new Slytherin seeker!

_Dramatic music_

**Crabbe:** (s) No way!

**Goyle:** That's totally awe-

_Harry, closely followed by his gang, rush in._

**Harry:** (s) Did you just say what I thought you said?

**Malfoy:** (s)... yes.

_Harry and the gang looked shocked._

**Ron:** (s) That's so unfair.

**Malfoy:** (s) You got a problem, Weasley? Or should I say (s) WEASEL?

**Crabbe:** (staring at Malfoy) You're so witty.

**Ron:** (s) You got a problem, Malfoy?

**Malfoy:** (s) Is that what your dad said to your mum?

**Harry:** (s) Is that what your house elf said to your mum?

**Hermione:** (yelling) HOUSE ELVES ARE PEOPLE TOO, HARRY.

**Goyle:** (s) Which is more than I can say about you, Hermione.

_Everybody goes "ooooh"_

**Harry and Malfoy:** That was low, Goyle.

_Harry and Malfoy stare at each other, surprised. Dumbledore sashays in._

**Dumbledore:** (s) There's no need to fight over little old me. (head roll)

**All students:** Oooh.

**Dumbledore:** (s) And I suggest you settle your differences on the Quidditch pitch. (Pause) (happy s) Or, as an alternative, we now have a duelling club! For those of you who are not so skilled with broomwork, you can now beat each other up in a completely new setting!

**All students: **Yay!

**Dumbledore**: (s to Harry and Malfoy) So I suggest you pick your battleground now, because we all know how unlikely it is that both events will occur.

_Dumbledore swaggers off._

**Hermione:** I don't know why he just didn't stop the fight entirely.

**Malfoy:** (s) See you soon, (sneers) Potter.

_Malfoy and the gang walk off_

**Harry: **(s) I bet Malfoy is the heir.

**Ron:** (s) Let's do some snooping!

**Hermione:** (s and point) TO THE LIBRARY!

_Malfoy and the gang come back on._

**Malfoy:** Wait, this is our table. You guys move.

_Harry and the gang shrug and walk off._

**Scene 2**

_On the Quidditch pitch. The Gryffindor team are having a pep talk._

**Wood:** So, in conclusion, even though they technically and logically have the upper hand, we've got what matters most.

**Random Gryffindor Player (I really do not care who this is):** Skill?

**Wood:** No. (s) Heart and spirit.

_The Gryffindor team cheer and run onto the pitch. The game begins and everybody is "flying" around._

**Harry:** (singing to himself) I'm going to get a snitch, I'm going to get a snitch...

_A bludger is thrown at him from offscreen._

**Harry:** (s) What the Merlin?

_More bludgers are thrown at Harry. _

**Harry:** (s) These must be enchanted. But how to escape them? (pause) I know. (s) I'll dance.

_He starts to dance away from them. Malfoy "flies" in_

**Malfoy:** (in awe) You should try for the ballet, Potter.

**Harry:** (s) I don't appreciate your-

_Harry stops and stares at the GOLDEN SNITCH which is "hovering" behind Malfoy._

**Malfoy:** (touches his face with his hand) Is there something on my face?

**Harry:** (s) Your eyes are beautiful.

_Text pops up on the bottom of the screen: "_Malfoy is confused. Malfoy hurts himself in his confusion."

**Malfoy:** Wait, what?

_Harry dives/dances to grab the snitch, just before being bashed off his broom for a dozen or so bludgers._

**Harry:** (yelling joyously) WE WON... OW.

_Harry falls to the ground, holding an arm. Lockhart, Hermione and Ron run on._

**Malfoy:** I'm so confused.

_Malfoy walks away, sobbing._

**Harry:** (weakly) ... hospital...

**Hermione:** (s to Lockhart) No, Professor, why don't you do it? You're such a good wizard.

_Lockhart shrugs, motions everyone to stand back, takes out his wand and murmurs something. Harry's arm "disappears"._

**Ron:** Well that backfired.

**Hermione:** (s and points) TO THE HOSPITAL!

**Scene 3:**

_Slytherin dormitories. Malfoy and the gang are in their PJ's and sitting around, talking._

**Crabbe:** So, (s) Draco, what happened up there with Potter?

**Malfoy:** (narrows eyes) What do you mean?

**Goyle:** Well, (s) you looked really odd.

**Crabbe:** (s) Really, really odd.

**Malfoy:** Yeah... I'm going to bed.

_Malfoy leaves. Goyle and Crabbe look at each other and shrug. Dramatic music._

**Scene 4:**

_At the hospital wing. Harry is lying in his bed, clearly distressed._

**Harry:** ("whispering") Dobby? (minor s) Come back, Dobby!

_Dumbledore sweeps in, followed by McGonagall. They are carrying the body of Colin Creevey._

**Dumbledore: **(s) Oh, we are beset by so many woes, Minereva. Poor Colin Creevey. (distraught s) How ever shall we cope?

**McGonagall:** Oh shut up, Albus. There's noone around.

**Dumbledore:** Okay. (s) But you know what this means, Minerva.

**McGonagall:** (exasperated) For the love of...

**Dumbledore:** (ULTIMATE SWIVEL) The Chamber of Secrets has been opened once more.

_Dramatic music. Thunder and lightning. Fireworks. Unicorn. More dramatic things. _

_Harry lies in his bed, in an obvious state of shock._

**Harry:** ("whispering") Who the toad is Colin Creevey?

**Scene 5:**

_At the duelling club where many students are gathered. Harry and the gang are standing around, talking._

**Hermione:** Harry, (s) now that you're better I can tell you how we're going to snoop. We're going to make (s) POLYJUICE POTION.

**Harry:** Sounds delicious and nutritious.

**Ron:** Yeah, because it's not like something a child can drink is going to be painful, right?

**Hermione:** Well...

_Snape stomps in, followed by Lockhart._

**Lockhart:** (opens mouth) I...

**Snape:** I'll take it from here, thanks. (sneers) Today we're going to try disarming our opponents by using spells well above all of your capabilities. And, as I have already been informed by Headmaster Dumbledore, Potter and Malfoy have a feud to settle. Therefore, they shall be first.

_Dramatic music._

**Scene 6:**

_At the Duelling Arena. Harry and Malfoy step up to the platform. Malfoy looks at Harry nervously. Harry frowns at Malfoy._

**Snape:** (sneering) Now, because you are both technically minors, apparently we have to give you both some advice.

_Snape leans towards Malfoy and starts to murmur. Lockhart walks up to Harry._

**Lockhart:** (opens mouth) Ah...

**Harry:** (s) Look, I don't need your help. I've defeated Voldemort. I think I know how to duel.

_Lockhart moves away, subdued somewhat. Snape leaves Malfoy and walks towards the middle._

**Snape:** Gentlemen, bow.

_They bow._

**Snape:** On the count of three... One, Two...

_Harry falls over._

**Harry:** (s) You're going to pay for that spell, Malfoy! Rictusempra!

_Malfoy doubles over laughing. Lockhart looks vaguely troubled._

**Malfoy:** Tarantallegra!

_Harry starts to dance._

**Snape:** (bored) Enough of this tomfoolery. Finite Incantatem.

_Harry stops dancing and Malfoy stops laughing._

**Snape: **Malfoy, do as you were told.

**Harry:** (Half s) Wait... what?

**Malfoy:** SERPENSORTIA!

_A "snake" walks into the arena._

**Snake:** 'sup mothafuckaz?

_Everybody hesitates, then start to run around like chickens with their heads cut off._

**Snake:** (looking at Justin Finch-Fletchly) I gonna eat you. Dayum, you like fine.

_Snake starts to head towards Justin._

**Harry:** Yo, watchu doin', homie?

**Snake:** I gonna eat dis ppl.

**Harry:** Nawh, he cool, he cool. He ma homie. He cool.

**Snake:** Awright man, we cool?

**Harry:** Yeah, we cool. Just don be tryin dis shit again.

**Snake:** Awright. Laterz.

_Snake walks out. Harry grins at Justin. Justin looks horrified._

**Justin:** You're, you're...

_Justin runs away._

**Harry:** I'm a what?

**Ron:** You're a (s) parselmouth!

_Harry looks stunned. Ron and Hermione look worried. Lockharts looks confused. Snape looks bored._

_Dramatic music._

**END OF EPISODE THREE**


	4. Episode Four

**Woeful Wizards Chamber of Secrets Epsiode Four**

**Scene 1:**

_[Harry and the gang are walking down the hallway, as they always seem to do.]_

**Ron:** (s) Did you get a haircut Harry?

**Harry:** (s) Why yes I did, Ron.

**Hermione:** It looks (s) sexy.

_Dean and Seamus run in_

**Seamus:** I've got really important- did you cut your hair Harry?

**Harry**: (s) Affirmative. (Stands with hands on hips).

**Dean:** It looks (s) sexy.

**Seamus:** Yeah. (Pause)(s) Justin has been attacked!

**Harry:** (falls to knees and puts hands to head) NOO!

**Hermione**: (s) Careful Harry!

**Ron:** (s) You'll mess up your hairstyle!

_[Dramatic music. Seamus and Dean run off.]_

**Hermione**: (s) That's it. We need to drink the Polyjuice Potion soon before Harry messes up his new hairstyle again.

_[Ron and Harry nod. Dramatic music.]_

**Scene 2:**

_[Malfoy and the gang are lounging in a corridor. Bet you didn't expect that.]_

**Malfoy:** (s) I cannot believe what Professor McGonagall gave me for my Transfiguration assignment.

**Crabbe:** (s) I know. That was so unfair.

**Goyle:** … but, didn't you copy it exactly off Wizardpedia?

**Malfoy:** I… I…

_[Malfoy flounces off. Crabbe glares at Goyle.]_

**Crabbe:** (s) Now look what you did.

**Goyle:** What?

_[Dramatic music.]_

**Scene 3:**

_[In Room 666- aka the girl's bathroom. Harry and the gang are brewing the Polyjuice Potion.]_

**Hermione:** The potion's almost finished. It just needs one more thing…

**Harry and Ron:** (s) What?

**Hermione:** The essence of…

**Ron:** (s) Love?

**Harry**: (s) Friendship?

**Hermione**: (s)… no. Of who you're trying to impersonate. As in, a bit of them.

**Ron:** (disappointed) Oh.

**Harry:** (s) Merlin, Hermione, you could've told us that before.

**Hermione:** (s) But what about the conveniently placed sweater?

_[Conveniently placed sweater appeared. On it says "Goyle".]_

**Ron:** But there's three of us. That means we need…

**Harry:** Take your time Ron. (s) I believe in you.

**Ron:** (s) And it's your belief that will help me through this.

_[They have a moment.]_

**Hermione:** Two. We need two more.

_[Two more conveniently placed sweaters appear. One says "Crabbe", the other "Milicent".]_

**Ron:** (s) Wait to ruin the creative flow, Hermione.

**Hermione:** (s) At least I understand the basic concepts of simple arithmetic.

**Ron**: (s) At least my teeth don't look like a beaver's.

**Harry:** (steps in between the two of them) There's no need to fight over little old me.

**Hermione and Ron:** Okay.

_[They each take a flask of Polyjuice Potion. They head towards their separate stalls.]_

**Ron:** (s) Wait! What about the _real_ Crabbe and Goyle.

**Hermione:** Don't worry. (s) I have it sorted.

_[Dramatic music.]_

**Scene 4:**

_[Crabbe and Goyle are walking down a corridor, as being creative is tiring.]_

**Goyle:** I don't understand? How can you choose him over me?

**Crabbe:** (s) I'm not choosing anything, Goyle.

**Goyle:** Oh yeah? (s) What do you call what happened back there?

**Crabbe:** I call it you (s) overreacting.

**Goyle:** Oh, stop being so dramatic.

**Crabbe:** Since when was that a bad thing?

**Goyle:** Point taken.

_[Silence]_

**Crabbe:** My actual point is…

_[Two cupcakes appear]_

**Crabbe:** I would (s) eat this cupcake to prove my friendship to you.

**Goyle:** (s) No, Crabbe, don't!

**Crabbe**: (s) Why? Clearly, our relationship means nothing if you cannot trust me.

**Goyle: ** But you don't know where it's been!

**Crabbe:** (s) This is how much you mean to me. The question is, do you feel the same?

**Goyle:** I…

**Crabbe:** Well?

**Goyle:** Okay. I'll (s) eat the other cupcake.

**Crabbe:** (s) This will prove our love.

[_They each take a bite of their respective cupcakes without breaking eye contact]_

**Goyle:** What do you mean love-

[_They both fall unconscious. Dramatic music]_

**Scene 5:**

_[Back at Room 666. Harry as "Goyle" and Ron as "Crabbe" are waiting for Hermione]_

"**Goyle":** … so then the guy asked me whether or not I wanted it cut short at the back and I said I don't know what do you think and he said well it would emphasise your jawline.

"**Crabbe": **Wow. So that's why you look so good. (s) What's taking Hermione so long?

"**Goyle": ** (s) I don't know. Hermione?

**Hermione:** (from bathroom stall) Meow.

"**Crabbe": ** (s) There's no need to get catty, Hermione. We'll just go on without you.

"**Goyle":** (s) Yeah, Hermione, you're going to regret this.

_["Crabbe" and "Goyle" walk out]_

**Hermione:** (still inside stall) Meow?

**Scene 6:**

_[Malfoy is in the Slytherin dormitories. "Crabbe" and "Goyle" walk in]_

**Malfoy:** (s) Thank Merlin you're back, boys. (s) I was starting do get worried.

"**Goyle":** Don't worry. We were just (s) hanging around.

**Malfoy:** Where?

"**Crabbe":** The girl's bathroom.

**Malfoy:** Oh. (s) Did you hear about Justin?

"**Goyle":** (s) Of course we did.

**Malfoy:** (s) I don't know what is with your insubordination lately, but it must stop.

_["Goyle" looks confused.]_

**Malfoy:** Anyway, (s) I want to meet whoever did it and give them a hearty clap on the back. (sneering) We certainly need less of THOSE running about.

"**Crabbe":** (s) Mudbloods?

**Malfoy:** No, Hufflepuffs.

_["Goyle" and "Crabbe" look confused for a moment, then nod in agreement]_

"**Goyle":** Wait, so (s) you aren't behind the attacks?

**Malfoy:** No, I've been busy with… other things. (s) Like dealing with Granger.

"**Crabbe": ** (s) What are you planning to do, Malfoy?

**Malfoy:** (confused) What?

_[A sudden bit of ginger appears in "Crabbe's" hair]_

"**Goyle":** (s) Ron!

**Malfoy:** (s) What?

"**Goyle":** (s) We're going to beat up Weasley!

_["Goyle" and "Crabbe" run out]_

**Malfoy:** What?

_[Dramatic music]._

**Scene 7:**

_[Harry and Ron are rushing down a corridor and crash into Ginny. Books fly everywhere.]_

**Harry:** (winking) Here, let me… help you with that.

_[Harry bends to help Ginny collect books. Ginny pauses, collects as many books as possible, and runs away]_

**Ron:** My sister's so weird.

**Harry:** What's (s) this?

_[Harry bends and picks up the Riddle Diary]_

**Ron:** It looks like a (s) diary. I'd better return it to my sister.

**Harry:** (s) NO! I mean, it's alright, I'll do it.

**Ron:**(s) You're such a good friend, Harry.

**Harry:** Flattery (s) accepted.

_[They stare into each other's eyes.]_

**Scene 8:**

_[Malfoy and the gang are in the library.]_

**Malfoy:** (s) Did you guys hear about Granger?

**Goyle:** Yeah, (s) she deserves it.

**Crabbe:** Wait, what happened.

**Goyle:** She's been hospitalised.

**Malfoy:** (s) I wonder if she's okay…

**Crabbe:** (s) Don't worry, Draco. You still have us.

**Scene 9:**

_[A sign is held up, saying "Period of time passes". Harry and the gang are walking down the corridor]_

**Ron**: (s) I'm so glad you're back, Hermione.

**Hermione:** (s) Me too.

_[Ron and Hermione stare into each other's eyes]_

**Harry:** (s) The diary can write back to me.

**Ron:** (s) What?

**Harry:** Yeah, he says (s) that the same creature that is attacking the school now attacked it some fifty years ago.

**Hermione:** … hang on…

**Harry:** (s) What?

**Hermione:** (s and point) TO THE LIBRARY!

_[Hermione leaves]_

**Harry:** Yeah, so, anyway…

**Ron:** (s) Do you think Hermione will be okay?

**Harry:** Ron?

**Ron:** Harry?

**Harry:** She's just going to the library. I'm sure that nothing will possibly attack from here to there. It's virtually impossible.

**Ron:** Thanks. (s) You always know exactly what to say.

**Harry:** (s) Only because you believe in me.

_[McGonagall comes in]_

**McGonagall:** (bored) Hermione's been attacked. So has Penelope Clearwater.

**Harry:** (sinks to knees and hands on head) NO!

**Ron:** (s) NO, HARRY YOUR HAIRCUT!

**Harry:** (starts to sob) It's all my fault…

**Ron**: (s) Can we see the body?

**McGonagall:** She's not dead, just petrified. Suck it up and be a man, Weasley.

_[McGonagall goes to leave, then pauses]_

**McGonagall:** Sexy haircut, Potter.

_[Dramatic music]_

**END OF EPISODE FOUR**


	5. Episode Five

**Woeful Wizards Chamber of Secrets Episode Five**

**Scene 1:**

_[Harry and Ron are leaning over the bedside of the prone figure of Hermione. In her hand is a huge book.]_

**Ron:** Do you think she'll (s) live?

**Harry:** I... I don't know.

_[Madam Pomfrey walks past]_

**Pomfrey:** For the last frogging time, she's not frogging dying.

_[Pomfrey walks out]_

**Ron:** I can still hear her voice (starts sobbing)

**Harry:** (patting Ron's back) There, there Ron. There's nothing we can do. (s) Except for go to bed.

**Ron:** Yeah. (s) Maybe, when I wake up, this nightmare will be over and Hermione will be alive once more.

**Pomfrey:** (offscreen) SHE'S NOT DEAD.

**Scene 2:**

_[Malfoy and the gang are walking down stairs]_

**Malfoy:** Did you hear about Granger?

**Goyle:** (s) No, is she dead?

**Malfoy:** No, but close. She's (s) dying.

**Crabbe:** (s) She get attacked as well?

**Malfoy:** Yes. And now she hovers between that uncertain line, life and happiness on one, the void stretching into eternity on the other. Who can say what triggers that fragile net, which so far has carried her into a dreamless state, to fall, casting a shadow so deep and black light cannot pierce it, until at last a ray can be spotted and it is only then we are truly able to recuperate.

_[Silence]_

**Crabbe:** Whatever. She deserves it.

**Scene 3:**

_Harry is sitting in the Gryffindor common room, alone. Ginny's diary is sitting in front of him._

**Harry:** I wonder what Ginny wrote about me...

_[Harry opens the book and finding it empty appears to be extremely disappointed]_

**Harry:** I wonder if I should use the diary. (Pause) Well, I do have a lot of (s) feelings.  
><em>[Harry writes on paper: "My name is Harry Potter"]<em>

_[For the next part, it's all written down on the diary]_

**Riddle:** Hiya Harry! The name's Riddle. Tom Riddle.

**Harry:** You are writing in the same manner I would speak. I immediately have great trust and faith in you.

**Riddle:** That's cool, that's cool. Listen, I _know_ things.

**Harry:** Like what, master?

**Riddle:** I dunno whether I should tell you, man. You could shit your diapers.

**Harry:** I'm almost twelve and perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank you.

**Riddle:** Alright, alright.

**Harry:** Do you anything about the, swivel, Chamber of Secrets?

**Riddle:** I know so much about that it would make you want to _slither_ away.

**Harry:** Swivel, what?

**Riddle:** I'll show you. Writing it down might take to long.

**Harry:** What?

**Riddle:** Come on, I'll help you slither in.

_[Harry is magically transported to Past Hogwarts. Beside him is Riddle. Note: Now they're actually talking]_

**Harry:** (s) What is this magical place?

**Riddle:** Hogwarts.

**Harry:** Wow.

**Riddle:** Yeah, you better get used to being inside other people's memories.

**Harry:** Huh?

**Riddle:** This is what I want to show you...

_[Second Riddle runs past them. They follow.]_

**Second Riddle:** Hagrid!

_[They come upon Hagrid, putting something in a bag]_

**SR:** I know what you've been doing.

**Hagrid:** Pardon, old chap?

**SR:** The web you have been spinning is closing in around you.

**Hagrid:** Huh?

**SR:** Geddit? Geddit? Anyway, you're going to be expelled and that creature, Aragog, destroyed.

**Hagrid:** I protest defiantly.

_[Harry is now back to sitting in the Gryffindor common room, diary open. Back to diary writing]_

**Harry:** Hagrid did it?

**Riddle:** Yep. He sure has been taking you for a spin, hasn't he?

**Harry:** (no longer writing)(yelling) NOO! (s) I must (s) tell (s) Ron!

_[Harry runs out of the room]_

**Riddle:** (writing) Just kidding, I'm really Lord Voldemort and I set a basilisk on the students, not Hagrid and his giant spider. I was just spinning a yarn. Geddit? Geddit?

**Scene 4:**

_[Malfoy and the gang are walking into Potions]_

**Crabbe:** Draco, did you get a haircut?

**Malfoy:** (s) Yes.

**Goyle:** I thought you looked different.

**Crabbe:** Looks (s) nice.

**Goyle:** Yeah, like a (s) superstar.

**Malfoy:** Thanks. I actually went to the same place as...

_[Snape walks in]_

**Snape:** (bored) Right, I have the worst headache ever. So, just be quiet for the lesson and noone will get expelled.

**Malfoy:** (s) What's the matter, sir?

**Snape:** I've got a hangover, okay? And unless your name is Panadol, I don't want to hear any noise.

**Crabbe:** (to Malfoy) Who-?

**Snape:** Shut the frog up or GTFO.

**Scene 5:**

_[Harry and Ron are outside the door of Hagrid's Hut, being "invisible"]_

**Harry:** (s) Shall I knock or should you?

**Ron:** I... I don't know. We could leave this Hut and not like Hagrid anymore.

**Harry:** I'm (s) scared, Ron.

**Ron:** It's okay, Harry. I'm-

_[Hagrid opens door]_

**Hagrid:** To whom does that thunderous racket belong? Oh, I daresay, I shall be quite livid-

**Harry:** Hagrid, it's (s) me. And (pause) Ron.

**Hagrid:** Salutations, my dear friends. I endear you to come inside, out of this wretched weather.

_[They go inside Hagrid's Hut and sit down at his table]_

**Hagrid:** And of what subject do you wish to enquire about?

**Harry:** We know you (s) did it, Hagrid.

**Ron:** Yeah. Tom told (s) Harry.

**Hagrid:** I must have misheard. To what am I accused of doing?

**Harry:** We know about (s) Aragog.

**Hagrid:** I am speechless.

**Harry:** Riddle told us. (s) How could you, Hagrid? How could you?

**Hagrid:** These are all lies.

**Ron**: (s) I'm so relieved.

**Harry:** Sorry I ever doubted you, Hagrid.

**Hagrid:** Now, would you like me to explain your unfortunate pretence? For I assure you as soon as I explain myself, this shall all be forgiven.

_[There is a knock on the door]_

**Hagrid:** One moment please, gentlemen.

_[Harry and Ron turn "invisible". Hagrid goes to the door]_

**Hagrid:** Salutations, visitors of my simple- What? What is this?

**Fudge:** Dreadfully sorry old chap, but I never liked you anyway.

**Hagrid:** Not Azkaban!

**Fudge:** Quiet you! Now, come on. I have a dinner with the Queen's corgis in half an hour.

**Hagrid:** Walk Fang! And follow the butterflies!

**Fudge:** For Gringotts sake! STUPEFY!

_[Hagrid falls to the ground and is dragged off screen. Harry and Ron become visible once more]_

**Ron:** (hopefully) Did he just say (s) butterflies?

**Harry:** No, he probably meant spiders.

**Ron:** (s) Oh.

**Scene 6:**

_[Draco and the gang are lounging in the Great Hall]_

**Goyle:** So, Draco, what were you saying before?

**Malfoy:** About (s) what?

**Crabbe:** Your haircut.

**Malfoy:** Oh, that. Yeah, I got it cut at the same place as (s)...

_[McGonagall walks in]_

**McGonagall:** Bedtime!

**Goyle:** But, miss...

**McGonagall:** Just go.

_[Draco and the gang stomp sulkily out the door]_

**McGonagall: **Merlin, they're annoying.

**Scene 7:**

_[Harry, Fang and Ron are in the Forbidden Forest, following a trail of "spiders"]_

**Ron:** (terrified) How much longer, Harry?

**Harry:** I... I don't know, Ron. Who knows what kind of perils await us on this vast and unknown quest? We may be stuck here for days and forced to-

**Ron:** Hey! (s) There's something up ahead!

**Harry:** I wonder what it is!

_[They come across Aragog and her clan. They stop in front of her]_

**Aragog:** Hey, boys.

**Ron:** Meep.

**Harry:** So, (s) you're the one who killed Hermione!

**Aragog:** Whatevs. That wasn't me. I mean, like, who can be bothered to like, kill someone? It's so much effort.

**Harry:** So, it (s) wasn't you?

**Aragog:** No! Lol.

**Harry:** (evidently confused by her complete lack of proper English) Lol?

**Aragog:** Soz. It means "laugh out loud".

**Harry:** Wow. We'll have to tell Hagrid.

**Aragog:** OMG! You, like, know Hagrid? We're like BFFL's!

**Harry:** (s) What?

**Aragog:** Yeah, he like raised me or something. It's so, like, lame. Anyways, your friend's been pretty quiet. (giggles) Say something, ranga.

**Ron:** Why are you orange?

**Aragog:** You're so RUDE! I'm gonna kill you for that. Lol jokes, I love you.

**Ron:** Harry, (s) I'm scared.

**Harry:** Me too, Ron. (s) Me too.

**Aragog:** Now, do you, like, wanna play spin the bottle. Because, I'm not, like, a slut or anything, but I would totally give you a blowjob for $10.

**Ron:** (screams) Help! HELP!

**Harry:** Now, now Ron, let's not act too (s) harshly.

**Aragog:** (starts to cry) Why don't you think I'm hot?

_[The Weasley's flying car comes out of nowhere]_

**Ron:** Oh, thank Merlin.

_[Ron, Harry and Fang climb into the car, it zooms away from Aragog]_

**Aragog:** IS IT BECAUSE I'M FAT?

_[In the car]_

**Ron:** Whew. (s) That was close.

**Harry:** ... I suppose...

_[The car stops outside Hogwarts. Harry, Ron and Fang disembark. Fang runs away.]_

**Harry:** Well, that was a complete waste of time.

**Ron:** Why was Fang with us?

**END OF EPISODE FIVE**


	6. Episode Six

**Woeful Wizards Chamber of Secrets Episode Six**

**Scene 1**

[Draco and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall]

**Draco:** I wonder why Dumbledore called this assembly.

**Goyle:** It's probably something really important, like (s) telling us who did you hair.

**Draco:** Yeah, it's the same place as-  
>[Dumbledore saunters in]<p>

**Dumbledore:** (sassy s) Silence!

[Everybody goes quiet]

**Dumbledore:** Now (flicks hair back), there is no reason to be afraid. As long as I am here, Hogwarts will continue as usual. That said and done (hand on hip) it is the moment you've been waiting year round for, it is the (yelling with flourishes) RANDOM ANNUAL FASHION SHOW!

[Lights dim and a disco ball pops out of the ceiling. Music starts. Students go mad. Lavender Brown starts to strut down the catwalk that has "magically" appeared]

**Dumbledore:** And here we have the ever so fabulous Lavender...

[Fudge walks in. Music stops]

**Fudge:** (bored) You're coming with me, Dumbledore.

**Dumbledore:** (s) What?

[Dramatic music. Dumbledore is escorted out by Fudge. All students start to sob]

**Scene 2**

[Harry and Ron are in the hospital, crying over Hermione's "deathbed". Hermine is still clutching are particularly large book]

**Ron:** I... I don't know if I can take anymore of this, Harry. What will life be if Hermione is (s) dead?

**Harry:** Hey Ron, what's (s) that? (Dramatically points to book in Hermione's hand)

**Ron:** Oh, I thought that was just her hand.

[Harry opens the book. It reads:

"So, obviously the monster that is attacking everyone is a basilisk who's been getting around the school using the pipe system and last time it killed Moaning Myrtle so I would think we would go to the girl's bathroom and again and ask her but the most important thing I found out was... Oh no, I'm petrified."

**Harry:** (s) Do you know what this means?

**Ron:** No, not really.

**Harry:** Me neither.

[McGonagall walks in]

**McGonagall:** Oh, there you are Weasley. You're sister's been taken into the Chamber of Secrets.

**Ron:** (falls to knees and yells) NO!

**Harry:** (s) Not my little buttercup!

**Scene 3**

[Draco and the gang are strutting around the school]

**Draco:** I'm so (s) happy.

**Crabbe:** (s) Why?

**Draco:** Because... (s) You're the best friends I've ever had!

**Goyle:** (s) Me too, (s) me too.

[They walk off, hand in hand, preferably into a sunset]

**Scene 4**

[Harry and Ron are running full pelt down a school corridor]

**Harry:** (s) Quickly Ron! Time is slipping away from us!

[Lockhart comes out of nowhere and Harry and Ron crash into him]

**Ron:** Oof.

**Harry:** Professor! (s) You can help us rescue Ginny from the unknown monster!

**Lockhart:** Ah...

**Ron:** Don't be a coward, professor! It's my (s) sister we're talking about!

**Lockhart:** Oh...

**Harry:** Oh, shut up and come with us.

[Harry and Ron drag Lockhart away, who is, unsurprisingly, speechless]

**Scene 5**

[Draco and the gang are sitting under a tree]

**Draco:** It's such a nice day.

**Goyle:** Yes, (s) yes it is.

**Crabbe:** Who wants to go skinny dipping?

**Draco:** It's pretty cold today.

**Goyle:** And there's no pond anywhere.

**Crabbe:** Yeah, but we could still...

**Scene 6**

[Harry, Ron and Lockhart are in Room 666 aka the girl's bathroom]

**Harry:** (s) I wonder how we open it.

**Ron:** Open (s) what?

**Harry:** The Chamber.

**Ron:** Oh yeah, right.

[Lockhart tries to edge away]

**Ron:** (s) Oh no, you don't! (grabs Lockhart by his shirt) Hey, Harry, maybe we have to do a blood sacrifice. (leers at Lockhart)

**Harry:** Hang on, what's (s) this?

[Points to really large sign saying "To open the Chamber of Secrets, you have to say "open" in parseltongue at the spot marked "X""]

**Ron:** That's even more cryptic than Hermione's note.

[Moaning Myrtle pops in]

**MM:** Hiya Ron, hiya Harry! Professor.

**Harry:** (s) I can't take anymore of your bad mood Myrtle, just get lost.

**MM:** Just thought you should know, the "X" is right there (points) . Good luck with the basilisk!

[MM exits, waving merrily]

**Ron:** She's such a killjoy. And not the good type, either.

**Harry:** Hang on. (s) There's an "X" on the floor over there!

**Ron:** Good thinking, Harry!

**Harry:** (s) ... Thanks, Ron.

[They stare into each others eyes, and souls. Romantic music]

**Harry:** (with obvious effort, tears his eyes away from Ron's) I think (s) I'm ready.

**Ron:** Harry?

**Harry:** (s) Yes?

**Ron:** I (s) trust you.

**Harry:** I needed that. Here we go. (Steps on to the "X") Dayum gurl, open like your momma on New Year's Eve!

(An entrance "magically" appears. Note: a door opens)

**Ron:** Move, toad! (pushes Lockhart through entrance)

[Ron and Harry follow. Dramatic music]

**Scene 7**

[Draco and the gang are laughing, having a picnic.]

**Draco:** I've got one, I've got one.

**Crabbe:** What?

**Draco:** How many Aurors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

**Goyle:** I don't know. Why?

**Draco:** (pause) None. The Dark Lord has killed Aurors with that kind of knowledge by now.

[Goyle and Crabbe burst out laughing]

**Draco:** It's so great being the Golden Trio.

**Scene 8**

[Harry, Ron and Lockhart are in the Chamber of Secrets. Lockhart whips out his wand and points it at Harry and Ron]

**Harry:** (s) What?

**Ron:** (s) Are you saying that this has all been a sham?

[Lockhart nods.]

**Harry:** You fiend!

**Lockhart:** Obliviate!

[For some reason, a "wall", Note: person wearing sheet, appears between Lockhart and Ron and Harry]

**Wall:** I'm a wall. (starts and continues to sing:) Wall, wall, wall, wall, wall, wall, wall...

**Harry:** (s) Damn this wall! Ron (s), how will my beating heart ever survive?

**Ron: ** It's too important, Harry! (s) Go on, (falls to floor) without me!

["Silence" in which all can be heard is the wall, still singing "wall, wall, wall..."]

**Harry:** ... Okay. (Anguished s)

[Harry turns to leave. Heroic music plays]

**Scene 9**

[Draco and the gang are at a park, on the swings]

**Crabbe:** (swinging on a, er, swing) Higher, Draco, higher!

**Draco:** Gregory, could you?

**Goyle:** Sure thing.

[Goyle begins to push Crabbe on the swing]

**Crabbe:** Oh my, you're so strong, Draco.

**Scene 10**

[Harry is in the Chamber. Ginny is lying on the floor, Riddle's diary next to her]

**Harry:** (s) Buttercup!

[Harry rushes forward to kneel beside Ginny]

**Harry:** (anguished) NO!

[Tom Riddle appears]

**TR:** Oh, hiya Harry! Ginny's been DYING to meet you! Geddit? Anyway, I am Lord Voldemort.

**Harry:** (s) You're not funny!

**TR:** (looks surprised and s) Wrong move, Potter, wrong move.

**Harry:** What do you mean?

**TR:** (pause) Yo big ass snake, get out here.

**Harry:** (s) No!

[Basilisk appears, wearing a baseball cap and grills]

**Basilisk:** 'sup.

**TR:** You see dis here midget?

**Basilisk:** Yeah...

**TR:** Attack him. He be disrespectin' our gang.

**Basilisk:** Nobody dare dis ma brotha!

[Basilisk starts to attack Harry]

**Harry:** Eep.

**TR:** Ha! Where's Dumbledore now? More like, Rumbleroar! Because he's probably sleeping! Geddit?

**Harry:** (trying to defend himself against basilisk) Dumbledore told better jokes then you!

[Fawkes appears, carrying the Sorting Hat and attacks the basilisk. Note: Is stuffed bird. Throw at basilisk]

**Harry:** (s) What?

**Scene 11**

[Sign appears: "Meanwhile, in the Hufflepuff dormitories:"]

[Hufflepuff students are all dancing to dub step.]

**Scene 12**

[Harry is holding the Sorting Hat, still trying to defeat the basilisk]

**TR:** You can never defeat me!

**Harry:** Tough luck!

[Harry takes out sword from Sorting Hat and stabs basilisk. It dies]

**Harry:** (s) Ye- ah, my arm!

[On Harry's arm are the basilisk's grills]

**TR:** Ha, ha! Nothing can cure basilisk venom! Except for phoenix tears but there clearly is none of those around so...

[Fawkes now "flies" to Harry. Water from the phoenix is poured on Harry's wound]

**Harry:** (s) Now, it is your turn to suffer from pain and misery.

[Harry stabs the diary with the basilisk's grills]

**TR:** Damnit, I was horcrux.

**Harry:** What?

**TR:** Never mind. Ah, my arrogance!

[TR dies. Not really, but, you know. Ginny sits up]

**Harry:** (s) Cupcake!

[Ginny goes pale and faints]

**Scene 13:**

[In the Great Hall, at the Gryffindor table. Harry and Ron are sitting together]

**Ron:** Wow, I can't believe you just (s) freed Dobby! How memorable.

**Harry:** It was (s) nothing.

[Hermione rushes up]

**Hermione:** Well done, Harry! Was it because of (s) my note?

**Harry:** No, that was useless.

[Hermione looks confused. Fred and George come up]

**George:** Many thanks for saving our sister.

**Fred: **You truly are one great mister.

[Fred, George and Hermione sit down]

**Ron:** (turns to Harry) Hey, Harry?

**Harry:** (s) Yes?

**Ron:** Who's Fawkes?

[Dramatic music]

**END OF EPISODE SIX**

**END OF WOEFUL WIZARDS CHAMBER OF SECRETS**


End file.
